Unexpected moments of calm take me by surprise. Especially when I return from work early to catch a wink of sleep after a couple of intense days. Being the perennially uptight type, I surmise that sleep, however necessary, will elude me. Yet, I decide to take a walk in the large swathe of greenery that I am fortunate to be surrounded by. The park where I want to spend entire days in, reading and cycling , and that I look toward, with wistful eyes from my kitchen window as I set about my routine.
I sense that everyone in the park is looking at me, eyes filled with wonder. On a weekday, here ?- glances from strangers question me. My inertia overcome at long last, I feel like a bird set free from a cage. I explore hitherto untrodden paths. I see families loading their bicycles onto their cars, smiles lighting up their faces.
A wooden bridge leads me to I know not where. The canopy walk, as its called, indeed lives upto its name. Initially, I tread carefully as I maneuver the uneven blocks that line the hanging walkway. I see a couple of joggers and then a group of cyclists. I feel gay and throw my unnecessary restraint to the winds. I run till I pant. I stand still and soak in the atmosphere.
I come away rejuvenated, all my exhaustion forgotten.
There have been a number of additions to my life over the last year. A brand new independent streak, a courage that is quite novel to me, friends and freedom. Which is awesome. Yet, I have been focusing so intently on certain aspects of my life (read obsessions: getting married and finding a life partner, in that order) that I barely noticed what’s gone missing.
Amma cooking dinner and having it ready when I return from work. The weekly expeditions to Secunderabad club. Visits to the temple across the street every other day, praying for a decent score in GMAT/CAT, admits to my dream schools and a wonderful job for that special someone in my life. And sarcasm and witty retorts.
In my view of myself, I was always this uncontrollably sarcastic person, an image reinforced by my then boyfriend. I wonder now if that was ever true or it was the end product of an ‘overly-in-love’ mind. Whatever the intensity of it may have been, I realized a few hours back that my sarcasm has really been on a long vacation for quite some time now.
Verbal sparring with my life partner to be, my college besties and my Amma and Appa. Missing. Its not like I don’t appreciate the people around me now. Simply that I yearn for the not so sensitive remarks I often received and my ‘oh so clever’ retorts.
Or perhaps I’ve just graduated to the next stage of my world exploration- discovering how very ironic life’s experiences are.For the next 6 months anyone?
Life..the one word that encapsulates every emotion, every event, every success and failure we experience. Life is too short to give up on. I don’t refer to the number of days we have on earth. I refer instead to the days our mental and physical faculties are in our control. I have experienced five years of life, of struggling to cope, achieving success and then almost losing it all. Through a period I considered an ordeal, I learned to appreciate them all – every moment that felt normal. For every day that I did not have to take medication( that was potent enough to make me shiver for a whole two days), I learned to appreciate the wonder of being strong. I literally had wings that enabled me to soar above the mundane, imagine what was not. By some miracle, I was given the chance to experience all that I dreamed of, long after I gave up. Providence I call it. Some call it mental strength. Yet others proclaim it to be the gift that others gifted to me.
Getting a second chance at a regular life should seem like a good enough reason to never falter again, to never doubt God, to never tempt fate. But I am human. I have stumbled, again and again. In this, my new life, it hasn’t been destiny as much as me,myself that made mistakes. I am not proud of my errors in judgement. I would never repeat them. But over my tribulations and the good times, I know I am human. And its acceptable to vacillate between the black, the white and the grey. Its just not okay to give up on myself.
Life to me is best led as a phoenix. Life is too short to not arise from the ashes and take flight again.